When I was in 3rd grade, I got into the "worst fight ever" with my best friend, Linda, because she was spreading rumors about me at school. Some of my friends and classmates joined her in mocking me while others stood silently by doing nothing, allowing the insults to be hurled. I remember coming home that afternoon in tears, and telling my mother what had happened. The next day, she contacted my teacher and they worked together to find a solution to the problem. Although the result wasn’t perfect—I participated in alternative activities instead of going to recess, the time the teasing was the worst—I consider myself very lucky to have had two caring people on my side who took the emotional abuse of girl-on-girl bullying seriously.
I was reminded of this incident recently while reading Odd Girl Out. The author, Rachel Simmons, wrote about how girls fight with each other differently than the way boys fight with other boys. Unlike boys, who tend to settle conflicts physically and deal with arguments directly, a lot of fighting among girls happens in secret. We give each other mean glances in the hallway, turn our backs to each other at the lunch table, and pass cruel notes during class. Because girlfights aren’t always easy to see, we don’t always take them seriously. We assume this is just what girls do, and that we grow out of it as we get older, but Simmons says that’s not true – that the effects of girl-on-girl hurts can last a lifetime.
Although girl bullies and their victims may appear happy on the outside and continue to get good grades in school, what they feel on the inside is a different story. When someone is being mean to us, we start to feel alone and like we have nowhere we can turn. Since girlfighting isn’t always easy to see, parents and teachers can be oblivious to them, and it is up to us to bring them out into the open. But what usually happens instead is we just start acting like bullies ourselves.
Take my own situation: I’ll admit I wasn't entirely innocent. Before I came clean to my mom, I escalated the fight by forming an exclusive club for people who didn’t like Linda. The members even created a song that made fun of her. Obviously, this wasn’t going to solve anything. What we should have done was talk openly and honestly to each other about what had started the rift in the first place. Instead, we unfairly forced our friends take sides and made the situation bigger and more hurtful for everyone.
So what can you do to prevent girl-on-girl bullying? The easiest thing is to talk to your girlfriends about what’s bothering you before the situation spins out of control. You can even make a pact with your friends before an argument ever starts to agree on what you will and won’t do during a fight (calling names: no / taking a time out: yes). If it’s too late for talking things through on your own, make sure you tell someone who can help you, like I did with my mom. Even if you lose a friend, you will have gained an ally. Because fights with girlfriends can make you sad and angry, find a positive outlet for your negative emotions. Get your feelings out by writing in a journal or channel your energy into your favorite sport. You may not be able to control the fighting, but you CAN control how you handle the situation, so make sure to deal with it positively!
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