Frenemies

According to Wikipedia a Frenemie (or Frienemie) is an enemy disguised as a friend. Frenemie refers to the bullying behavior that comes from someone a girl thought was her friend. For the victims of this behavior, it is even more confusing because the frenemie may sometimes be nice.

Hannah’s story:
I am always open to making new friends. In 5th grade however I started dealing with a friendship situation that I eventually realized was seriously messed up. I made friends with Sarah* who was part of a large group of my friends. She started off with some mean words directed at me that took me by surprise. I often just walked away or tried to ignore her. But her mean words continued and within a few weeks things escalated to the point where Sarah was physically hurting me (e.g. sitting on my feet or a bent leg) and she was regularly calling me names or attempting to exclude me from the group. I wished my friends had stood up for me. I found myself worrying about being around Sarah and sometimes ending up in tears.

Jill’s story (Hannah’s mom):
In addition to being Hannah’s mom, I am also a psychologist. As her mom and as a psychologist, I wanted to help Hannah understand that Sarah was a frenemie not a friend and – more importantly – to help Hannah get back her own power and self-esteem.

Frenemie attacks can be verbal (name-calling or threats), physical (hurting your body in some way), or written (cyberbullying, texts, e-mail). These attacks can happen inside or outside of school. No matter what form they take or where they occur, frenemie attacks can have a huge effect on how girls feel about themselves. They can make you feel sad, lonely, frustrated, or even depressed. Frenemie attacks are a form of bullying, and as with all bullying there can be serious side effects, such as:
1.    wanting to skip school or avoid places the frenemie hangs out
2.    starting to get lower grades or lose interest in activities you used to enjoy
3.    having new physical pains (e.g. headaches or stomachaches) and anxiety (excessive worrying)
4.    having trouble sleeping or wanting to sleep more than usual
5.    feeling badly about your body

The solution is not avoiding your frenemie or your activities. Instead, here are some things you can to try:
1.    Change the subject or joke around with the frenemie. Sometimes that gets them “off track” and also can empower you to stick up for yourself in the future.
2.    Talk to your closest friends and tell them what has been going on and how you feel. Ask them to stand up for you and let them know you will also stand up for them.
3.    Spend time with your true friends so you can remember how well liked you are and that there are people who accept you just the way you are.
4.    Engage in activities, sports, or hobbies that you enjoy to remind you that you have lots of talents and special things about you.
5.    Find an adult you can talk to, whether it’s a parent, a teacher, school counselor, another relative or a friend’s parent. Show them this article if it will make it easier to start a conversation and let them know you need their help.

The MOST important thing to remember is that bullying is not your fault. Bullying is about the bully, not about you. Do not blame yourself! You have done nothing wrong, nor have you caused this!

Hannah’s story continued:
My mom helped me understand that in dealing with a frenemie it can be good to just take a break and realize who your real friends are. Another thing that helped was realizing that I was well liked in my class. Riding my scooter at home allowed me to think through my situation. I eventually realized that Sarah was not or could not be a good friend to me, and that everything that had gone on was about her and not about me!

Books for Girls
Cohen-Posey, K. (1995). How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies: A Book that Takes the Nuisance Out of Name Calling and Other Nonsense.
Mattern, J. (2009). The Real Deal: Bullying. Heinemann Library. Chicago: IL.
Sprague, S. (2008). Coping With Cliques: A Workbook to Help Girls With Gossip, Put-downs, Bullying and Other Mean Behaviors. Instant Help Books. Oakland: CA.

Websites for Girls
http://www.girlshealth.gov/bullying/
http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/kids/

*All names have been changed, except the authors.

Hannah Kuhn-Gale & Jill Kuhn, Ph.D.

About the Author

Hannah Kuhn-Gale & Jill Kuhn, Ph.D.

Frenemies Hannah Kuhn-Gale & Jill Kuhn, Ph.D. According to Wikipedia a Frenemie (or Frienemie) is an enemy disguised as a friend. Frenemie refers to the bullying behavior that comes from someone a girl thought was her friend. For the victims of this behavior, it is even more confusing because the frenemie may sometimes be nice. Hannah’s story: I am always open to making new friends. In 5th grade however I started dealing with a friendship situation that I eventually realized was seriously messed up. I made friends with Sarah* who was part of a large group of my friends. She started off with some mean words directed at me that took me by surprise. I often just walked away or tried to ignore her. But her mean words continued and within a few weeks things escalated to the point where Sarah was physically hurting me (e.g. sitting on my feet or a bent leg) and she was regularly calling me names or attempting to exclude me from the group. I wished my friends had stood up for me. I found myself worrying about being around Sarah and sometimes ending up in tears. Jill’s story (Hannah’s mom): In addition to being Hannah’s mom, I am also a psychologist. As her mom and as a psychologist, I wanted to help Hannah understand that Sarah was a frenemie not a friend and – more importantly – to help Hannah get back her own power and self-esteem. Frenemie attacks can be verbal (name-calling or threats), physical (hurting your body in some way), or written (cyberbullying, texts, e-mail). These attacks can happen inside or outside of school. No matter what form they take or where they occur, frenemie attacks can have a huge effect on how girls feel about themselves. They can make you feel sad, lonely, frustrated, or even depressed. Frenemie attacks are a form of bullying, and as with all bullying there can be serious side effects, such as: 1. wanting to skip school or avoid places the frenemie hangs out 2. starting to get lower grades or lose interest in activities you used to enjoy 3. having new physical pains (e.g. headaches or stomachaches) and anxiety (excessive worrying) 4. having trouble sleeping or wanting to sleep more than usual 5. feeling badly about your body The solution is not avoiding your frenemie or your activities. Instead, here are some things you can to try: 1. Change the subject or joke around with the frenemie. Sometimes that gets them “off track” and also can empower you to stick up for yourself in the future. 2. Talk to your closest friends and tell them what has been going on and how you feel. Ask them to stand up for you and let them know you will also stand up for them. 3. Spend time with your true friends so you can remember how well liked you are and that there are people who accept you just the way you are. 4. Engage in activities, sports, or hobbies that you enjoy to remind you that you have lots of talents and special things about you. 5. Find an adult you can talk to, whether it’s a parent, a teacher, school counselor, another relative or a friend’s parent. Show them this article if it will make it easier to start a conversation and let them know you need their help. The MOST important thing to remember is that bullying is not your fault. Bullying is about the bully, not about you. Do not blame yourself! You have done nothing wrong, nor have you caused this! Hannah’s story continued: My mom helped me understand that in dealing with a frenemie it can be good to just take a break and realize who your real friends are. Another thing that helped was realizing that I was well liked in my class. Riding my scooter at home allowed me to think through my situation. I eventually realized that Sarah was not or could not be a good friend to me, and that everything that had gone on was about her and not about me! Books for Girls Cohen-Posey, K. (1995). How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies: A Book that Takes the Nuisance Out of Name Calling and Other Nonsense. Mattern, J. (2009). The Real Deal: Bullying. Heinemann Library. Chicago: IL. Sprague, S. (2008). Coping With Cliques: A Workbook to Help Girls With Gossip, Put-downs, Bullying and Other Mean Behaviors. Instant Help Books. Oakland: CA. Websites for Girls http://www.girlshealth.gov/bullying/ http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/kids/ *All names have been changed, except the authors. Image © Mark Butler \| Dreamstime.com
About the Author Hannah Kuhn-Gale & Jill Kuhn, Ph.D. Hannah is a 5th grader who was recently published in the book “She’s Out There: Essays by 35 Young Women Who Aspire to Lead the Nation." Jill is a psychologist, writer, wife, and mother to Hannah and her younger sister.