Catfights and Cruelty

Girls hating on other girls is as common as a runny nose. Have you ever had a friend, one you could have sworn was your best until one day, out of the blue, she vanished and what took her place was a particularly villainous person? The new girl was no longer is your friend, but your frienemy. Maybe a shared love interest appeared or there was only one spot open on the team, but something triggered a competition, and after that the fight was on.

I have often wondered about moments like this in my life, where one day I have a friend and the next I have to watch my back. I mean, what causes this incredibly sucky situation? And why does it seem to always happen to girls?

From the time we are born, girls and boys are told what to do and how to do it. From boys don’t cry to girls are made of sugar and spice, these commands are what make up our gender, or behaviors that society tells us are “right” for people who share our biological sex. But your body neither dictates your actions nor determines them. Even though resisting what is expected is hard, the choice of how you behave is always yours.

Girls, like all human beings, are complex; we fight, love, laugh, and learn—rinse and repeat—just like everyone else. Yet, girls are told from very early on that we should be nicer, gentler, and more caring then boys. It’s these kinds of stereotypes that set girls up to backstab and talk trash instead of dealing with conflict directly. If we’re told that being assertive is being mean, then what other options do we have?

You might notice that boys don’t have the same conflicts—or at least not to the same degree. Sure, they get into fights, which can even be physical, but boys rarely act with the kind of roundabout cruelty that girls do. That’s because they’re encouraged to be aggressive, and to deal with disagreements to each other’s faces. Arguments are less dramatic and are ended more quickly when you have the courage to tackle challenges head on, and there’s no reason girls can’t do the same.

When you start to look at the bigger picture, girl hating can feel kind of silly. The next time you sense a disagreement in the air, try talking to the girl you think is being disagreeable. You know the one: she’s giggling about some secret joke and only smiles silently when you ask what’s so funny. Reach out her in a way you would normally not. Tell her directly yet respectfully that you know there’s some sort of conflict between you two and ask her to explain what it is. Because if you do, guess what? You’ve just participated in one of the most radical acts of rebellion: sisterhood.

Emma Goodman

About the Author

Emma Goodman

Catfights and Cruelty Emma Goodman Girls hating on other girls is as common as a runny nose. Have you ever had a friend, one you could have sworn was your best until one day, out of the blue, she vanished and what took her place was a particularly villainous person? The new girl was no longer is your friend, but your frienemy. Maybe a shared love interest appeared or there was only one spot open on the team, but something triggered a competition, and after that the fight was on. I have often wondered about moments like this in my life, where one day I have a friend and the next I have to watch my back. I mean, what causes this incredibly sucky situation? And why does it seem to always happen to girls? From the time we are born, girls and boys are told what to do and how to do it. From boys don’t cry to girls are made of sugar and spice, these commands are what make up our gender, or behaviors that society tells us are “right” for people who share our biological sex. But your body neither dictates your actions nor determines them. Even though resisting what is expected is hard, the choice of how you behave is always yours. Girls, like all human beings, are complex; we fight, love, laugh, and learn—rinse and repeat—just like everyone else. Yet, girls are told from very early on that we should be nicer, gentler, and more caring then boys. It’s these kinds of stereotypes that set girls up to backstab and talk trash instead of dealing with conflict directly. If we’re told that being assertive is being mean, then what other options do we have? You might notice that boys don’t have the same conflicts—or at least not to the same degree. Sure, they get into fights, which can even be physical, but boys rarely act with the kind of roundabout cruelty that girls do. That’s because they’re encouraged to be aggressive, and to deal with disagreements to each other’s faces. Arguments are less dramatic and are ended more quickly when you have the courage to tackle challenges head on, and there’s no reason girls can’t do the same. When you start to look at the bigger picture, girl hating can feel kind of silly. The next time you sense a disagreement in the air, try talking to the girl you think is being disagreeable. You know the one: she’s giggling about some secret joke and only smiles silently when you ask what’s so funny. Reach out her in a way you would normally not. Tell her directly yet respectfully that you know there’s some sort of conflict between you two and ask her to explain what it is. Because if you do, guess what? You’ve just participated in one of the most radical acts of rebellion: sisterhood. Image © Mark Butler \| Dreamstime.com
About the Author Emma Goodman Emma Goodman is a third generation feminist from Texas. She received two BA’s from the University of Colorado - Boulder in Women and Gender Studies and Political Science. Emma is an avid believer in Bikram yoga, reading books outside, indulging in desserts, and laughing.