A Guide To Surviving An Argument

Sound familiar?

Your friend suddenly snaps at you after you’ve made an ‘innocent remark’.

Or…

You and your best bud have been yelling at each other for the past five minutes over something that won’t matter in five days.

Or…

Someone you’ve just met has pushed all your buttons in three seconds flat, and you are about to scream.

Small arguments don’t have to become huge problems, and though it may feel like it at the time, you won’t be upset forever. Really!

Here are a few tips to help you defuse explosive situations using conflict resolution techniques.

Get a clear head.

Take a deep breath and count to ten. Ask yourself how you feel. If you can’t tell, run through a few emotions in your head – sad, angry, confused, jealous – and see if one of them fits. If you’re still unsure, check out your body language. Anything remind you of a feeling you’ve felt before?

Say it at the time.

If you’re upset or offended, try to say so right away. If you let tension build for days or weeks, it becomes a more difficult struggle to let it go. It’s hard to remember exactly who said what days or weeks after an incident.

Be honest and clear.

Try not to disguise your feelings with a lot of apologies, excuses, or storytelling. It’s easy for your real message to get lost, and even though it may feel comforting, you can quickly be misunderstood or make the situation worse.

Take ownership.

Think about the wording of your thoughts instead of simply blurting out how you feel. Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example, “I felt upset when…” is fairer than, “You upset me when...” because it gives the other person a chance to see the effect of her or his words or actions without blame. You don’t have to defend your emotions – they’re yours. When you keep the focus on yourself, others will have a harder time telling you you’re wrong – after all, how do they know how you feel?

Use the element of surprise.

“You know, I felt really hurt when you said that. Did you mean to hurt my feelings?” can catch someone off guard faster than a mean or aggressive remark and stop an argument in its tracks. The other person may take the opportunity you’ve offered to cool down and talk calmly about the issue. You may find out that the hurtful thing they said wasn’t deliberate.

Give space.

It takes courage to try to resolve conflict, and sometimes your attempt will be met with hostility. If this happens, go back to the beginning, and calmly repeat yourself. If you find you’re getting nowhere, you may have to say something like, “I’d like to talk about this when we’re both calm,” and walk away for a little while.

These tips aren’t just for when someone else has hurt your feelings. They also work in the reverse. If you’ve stepped on someone’s toes, try out: “I think I hurt your feelings when I said that, but I didn’t mean to. Can I apologize and start again?”

It’s not magic, but you’d be amazed at how good it feels to be heard – really heard – by others, and to have them hear you.

A Guide To Surviving An Argument

Chella Quint

About the Author

Chella Quint

A Guide To Surviving An Argument Chella Quint Sound familiar? Your friend suddenly snaps at you after you’ve made an ‘innocent remark’. Or… You and your best bud have been yelling at each other for the past five minutes over something that won’t matter in five days. Or… Someone you’ve just met has pushed all your buttons in three seconds flat, and you are about to scream. Small arguments don’t have to become huge problems, and though it may feel like it at the time, you won’t be upset forever. Really! Here are a few tips to help you defuse explosive situations using conflict resolution techniques. Get a clear head. Take a deep breath and count to ten. Ask yourself how you feel. If you can’t tell, run through a few emotions in your head – sad, angry, confused, jealous – and see if one of them fits. If you’re still unsure, check out your body language. Anything remind you of a feeling you’ve felt before? Say it at the time. If you’re upset or offended, try to say so right away. If you let tension build for days or weeks, it becomes a more difficult struggle to let it go. It’s hard to remember exactly who said what days or weeks after an incident. Be honest and clear. Try not to disguise your feelings with a lot of apologies, excuses, or storytelling. It’s easy for your real message to get lost, and even though it may feel comforting, you can quickly be misunderstood or make the situation worse. Take ownership. Think about the wording of your thoughts instead of simply blurting out how you feel. Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example, “I felt upset when…” is fairer than, “You upset me when...” because it gives the other person a chance to see the effect of her or his words or actions without blame. You don’t have to defend your emotions – they’re yours. When you keep the focus on yourself, others will have a harder time telling you you’re wrong – after all, how do they know how you feel? Use the element of surprise. “You know, I felt really hurt when you said that. Did you mean to hurt my feelings?” can catch someone off guard faster than a mean or aggressive remark and stop an argument in its tracks. The other person may take the opportunity you’ve offered to cool down and talk calmly about the issue. You may find out that the hurtful thing they said wasn’t deliberate. Give space. It takes courage to try to resolve conflict, and sometimes your attempt will be met with hostility. If this happens, go back to the beginning, and calmly repeat yourself. If you find you’re getting nowhere, you may have to say something like, “I’d like to talk about this when we’re both calm,” and walk away for a little while. These tips aren’t just for when someone else has hurt your feelings. They also work in the reverse. If you’ve stepped on someone’s toes, try out: “I think I hurt your feelings when I said that, but I didn’t mean to. Can I apologize and start again?” It’s not magic, but you’d be amazed at how good it feels to be heard – really heard – by others, and to have them hear you. Image © Janee Aronoff, myJanee.com Graphic Creations
About the Author Chella Quint Chella Quint writes the comedy print zine Adventures in Menstruating. She is a comedy writer and performer originally from New York who now lives in the UK. She also contributes to Feminist Review and Subtext Magazine, as well as performing comedy around the UK and Europe.